as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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