Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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