somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
