He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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