My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
