I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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