I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
