96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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