I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
