the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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