i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
