I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Acid is not a monday night drug
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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