Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
