i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
