and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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