i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
