Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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