Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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