What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she looked like the before picture.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
