Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
