I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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