trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We are all done wearing pants today
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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