You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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