Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
