I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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