just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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