my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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