Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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