if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
