I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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