Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
