so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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