I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
