he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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