Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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