I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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