Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
