If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
