I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
