You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
