i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
