My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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