why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
