Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
