Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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