Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
