When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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