The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
