So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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