My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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