I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
