So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We are two peas in an std pod
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
