Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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