I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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