I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
