just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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