i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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