So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
