Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My life is pants optional.
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