if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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