the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
from now on my penis is your penis
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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