so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
