He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
