I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
