We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
