hotel room ftw
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
