I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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