What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
