"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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