Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
