Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
