he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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