fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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