I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My ass is underappreciated
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
